Different Sides, Same Struggles

Tuesday Pause™

A moment to slow down, reflect, and return to yourself.

I don’t know how many women realize it, but we are all the same coin—just different sides. Whether Black or white, Hispanic or other, straight or gay, kind or hate-filled, we are much more alike than we are different.

There are so many examples I could give from personal experience, but one stands out clearly: Several years ago, I was walking into Dollar Tree, and walking out was a very masculine-presenting Black woman. She was wearing what many would consider “male clothing,” her hair cut low in a fade. I could be wrong, but to me she appeared to be gay. Nonetheless, nestled in her arms, swaddled in a blanket, was a very small dog. If memory serves me correctly, she said it was a Yorkie. She told me she was a dog mom, as she had no biological children. But what stood out to me most was her natural inclination to nurture.

As a girl’s girl, I talk to a lot of women, and giving compliments is second nature to me.

Over the holidays, I was working at ULTA—for the second time. This time wasn’t as enjoyable as the first, but something continued to stand out to me. I'm certain to a degree I noticed it before, but time made it clearer; I began to understand, in real time, just how insecure many white women are.

I’m pretty bold, and I’m always seeking understanding, so I said this to one of my white girlfriends. She didn’t take offense. Instead, she shared that many Caucasian women are actually jealous of Black women’s boldness and willingness to establish their own identity.

I could see where she was coming from. I’d often hear from Caucasian women how much of themselves they feel they’ve lost in being a wife and a mother, but what many fail to realize is a lot of black women feel the exact same way. I would even argue that many of us have lost a sense of self in people in general... and let's not forget about careers.

During my first time working at ULTA, I remember a Caucasian woman approaching my register. I greeted her and said, "You're super pretty!" She looked at me in disbelief. I asked why, and she said, "It's been such a long time since I've heard that." I told her, "That may be true from others, but that’s no excuse for not hearing it from yourself." I challenged her to look in the mirror and tell herself that she’s beautiful. What I didn’t mention was at the time of that entire exchange, a man was standing right beside her.

Now, speaking as a Black woman, many of us are jealous of the financial support that some Caucasian women have. The stay-at-home mom life isn’t something many Black women get to experience without the pressure of, "Robbing Peter to pay Paul." And being bold and speaking up for ourselves isn’t always the flex it appears to be, because many of us have never had the luxury of simply being soft.

Speaking from the perspective of a woman as a whole, I have so many conversations with women of all nationalities, races, and economic statuses. And many of us are suffocating under the pressure of losing our own identities in exchange for the identity of wife and/or mother.

There’s a question I often ask, especially to women:

“When was the last time you told yourself you’re proud of yourself?”

More often than not, the answer is: "I can’t even remember."

Then I go a little deeper:

“How often do you affirm yourself? Tell yourself you’re beautiful?”

And again, the answer is usually the same: "I can’t even remember."

As a women’s empowerment coach, some of my biggest challenges have been with women. And as someone who is still learning to trust, I sometimes have to fight the urge to check out. But we women are so broken, someone has to speak up for us. So, why not me?

To be honest, I’ve spent a lot of time with blurred boundaries. I haven’t always held firm to my own limits. But in this season, as I'm learning to navigate healthier relationships with women, I’m starting to realize that I don’t have to compromise who I am to fit someone else’s idea of me. My peace comes from authenticity.

Call to Action

So, I’ll leave you with this: When was the last time you poured into yourself the way you pour into everyone else? Not just in words, but in truth.

Take a moment today…

Look in the mirror and say something kind to yourself. Something honest. Something you’ve been waiting to hear. And if it feels uncomfortable, that’s okay.

Start there.

Out loud.