The Unknown

Tuesday Pause ™

Recently, I’ve had to come to grips with a major transition. A life altering transition. A transition that I was able to deny until I was no longer able to. Truth is that the writing was on the wall long before I wanted to accept it. I’d read it... repeatedly and yet, I continued to deny what my very eyes were seeing until I no longer could.

And what has come of it? The unknown. And just how deeply I have attempted to maintain control. I pride myself on being a person who not only introspects, but also holds herself accountable. And this week has been one of the most revealing weeks I’ve had in a very long time.

One of the things that I had to come to grips with is my seemingly insatiable need for closure. And, what brought that to the forefront of my psyche… text messages and emails, especially emotionally charged ones, and how often I read and reread and read again not just to proofread, but well after to ensure that I am not misunderstood, only to find out that I am often misunderstood and mischaracterized anyways.

That led me down a rabbit hole of self-exploration. In truth, as the seemingly primary recipient of my healing journey and process to love myself, I thought I knew me pretty well and yet, this season is revealing to me that there are still spaces within my person that are in desperate need of my own attention.

But, what does that look like? I can’t say that I know!

What I am beginning to understand, however, is that my desire to be understood and my need for reassurance may be more closely connected than I previously realized. Being misunderstood has been a recurring experience throughout my life, and perhaps my tendency to revisit what I’ve communicated is an attempt to reassure myself that I’ve done everything within my power to prevent it. But, no amount of rereading can guarantee that someone will interpret my words as I intended.

And that brings me to another realization: Closure and certainty are not the same thing. Closure suggests an ending, while certainty suggests knowing. And I wonder if, somewhere along the way, I’ve convinced myself that I cannot experience one without the other.

But what happens when the answers never come? When you’ve communicated your concerns, examined your own contributions, and still find yourself without the understanding you hoped to receive? Does that mean closure is impossible?

Perhaps closure isn’t always found in an explanation, an apology, or even a mutual understanding. Sometimes, it may simply be accepting what is, even when we don’t fully understand why it is.

I’m discovering that I can be deeply introspective and still have blind spots. I can value accountability while struggling to relinquish control. And perhaps most importantly, I can be at peace with a decision while still being uncertain about what comes next.

Maybe the unknown isn’t always something I’m supposed to conquer. Maybe sometimes it’s something I’m supposed to experience without demanding that it reveal everything to me before I’m willing to move forward.

And perhaps the greatest demonstration of self-trust isn’t having all the answers. Perhaps it’s learning that I can trust myself to navigate life even when I don’t.

This week, I’m intentionally challenging one of the behaviors I’ve recognized within myself: repeatedly rereading text messages and emails after I’ve sent them. I’ve already begun making the conscious decision to stop. And although the urge is still there, I’m choosing not to respond to it. I’m learning to trust that I’ve communicated to the best of my ability without repeatedly seeking reassurance.

I’m not suggesting that we should never revisit conversations or seek clarification when necessary. Rather, I’m learning to recognize the difference between reflection that serves my growth and repetition that serves my need for control.

Call to Action

This week, I want to challenge you to consider: What are you repeatedly revisiting in an attempt to gain closure, certainty, or control? Is it a conversation, a relationship, a decision, or perhaps an unanswered question?

This week... identify one behavior that keeps you returning to something you cannot change or control, and make a conscious decision to respond differently. Not because the discomfort has disappeared, but because discomfort doesn’t always require a response.

Perhaps the real work isn’t in eliminating the urge to revisit what we cannot change, but in learning that we don’t always have to respond to it.

And maybe, just maybe, making peace with the unknown begins when we give ourselves permission to move forward without having all the answers.