Cracks in My Faith

Tuesday Pause™

When I entered the store, I had no idea what would follow, hence the fact that I filled my basket to capacity. I was unsure of whether it would work or not, so I immediately expressed to the cashier that I would put everything back if it didn’t. You see, my husband was recently let go from his job due to illness. However, the day the store incident occurred, his FSA card unexpectedly arrived in the mail, and after activation, we were made aware that $500 was available. Upon hearing this, I made it known to him that I was going to head to the drugstore and use the funds on our family before the card was canceled (I have since learned whether I used the funds that night or another night, they would still be there.) I asked him if he needed anything. He responded, “Vitamins.” I said okay, walked out the door, and quickly headed to the drugstore. Again, I filled the basket. The contents ranged from skincare items to vitamins, especially with our daughters just days away from beginning a new school year.

Once I finally reached the register and my items were rung up, my total nearly eclipsed the $500, coming short just a few dollars due to my having to leave a couple of items on the counter. The moment arrived, and I entered the card. My purchase was approved… for $27.80. I felt a ton of disappointment. The cashier told me to try it again, and once more, my purchase was approved for… $27.80. What follows is where it gets sketchy...

She said, “I guess we’ll have to keep doing it until it’s covered.”

But after many $27.80 amount approvals, totaling up to $280, my transactions stopped being authorized. We tried a few more times, but nothing. She asked for assistance and subsequently explained to the manager on duty what was happening. At that point, the manager pointed out that the same thing had happened to another cashier the night before. Then she initiated “a” void. Or, so we thought.

Little by little, we watched as the same $27.80 increments rescinded until the paid amount was once again zero. The cashier and I were flabbergasted.

There was a customer behind me, so she asked that I step aside as she cashed them out, and then we would try again. I agreed. Once they were gone, she proceeded to advise me that we would once more ring up the transaction, but this time we’d stop at the $280 that it was going to cover initially. Then I could just “take” the rest because, after all, we need to take care of our “own.” She continued by stating that she was angry because they’d cut her hours. I guess this is how she was justifying what was happening. And in my case, financially, we have been struggling with just trying to make ends meet. However, immediately, the entire transaction was declined. I felt some disappointment, but not totally.

She told me to come back the next morning, and we could complete it then.

Upon leaving the store, I knew I would not be returning the next morning because I quickly understood that God was saving me from myself. He was once more proving His faithfulness by not letting me undo the deliverance that had overshadowed my life for many years. But you see, this incident wasn’t the first time this week.

Days earlier, I attempted to lie my way into a vehicle, because I’ve been without one for months. However, that also didn’t work after I initially thought it would. If I’m honest, that time I felt convicted from the beginning, a feeling that is sometimes frustrating, but life-giving. But this time... I felt nothing. That is, until I walked out of the store and realized that God had once again saved me from myself.

There is a Scripture that has been sitting differently with me lately. In Luke 22:31–32,

Jesus tells Peter: ““Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”” (Luke‬ ‭22‬:‭31‬-‭32‬ ‭ESV)

The enemy waits for cracks. In my case, he waited until I felt most vulnerable to make his move. I was tired. I was financially overwhelmed. I was trying to provide for my family. I was disappointed. I was desperate. And somewhere in all of that, there was a crack in my faith, not because I stopped believing in God, but because, for a moment, I was tempted to believe that I needed to save myself. And that distinction matters, because sometimes the enemy doesn’t have to convince us that God isn’t real. He just has to convince us that God isn’t going to come through this time.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Because I believe it is necessary for all of us to sit with the fact that God has never required perfection. We’ve placed that standard on ourselves as a result of trying to live up to the standards and unrealistic expectations of highly imperfect people. I am not justifying my actions. However, I also will not condemn mysel, and neither should anyone else when it comes to themselves or other people. If anything, for me, this was another instance where empathy further took root.

I've had to confront a version of myself that I would much rather pretend doesn’t exist. The version of me that can become desperate enough to compromise. The version of me that can become vulnerable enough to rationalize. The version of me that can momentarily forget that the same God who delivered me before is still God when I am struggling now.

And maybe that is what grace looks like. Not God pretending we didn’t crack, but God meeting us in the crack and reminding us that we are still His.

I walked out of that store without the things I had planned to purchase, but I walked out with something far more valuable: another reminder that God knows me, even the parts of me I don’t always want to acknowledge, and He is still willing to save me from myself.

That experience humbled me. It also made me more compassionate, because I know now, even more than I did before, that sometimes the person standing on the other side of a bad decision isn’t evil. Sometimes, they are tired. Sometimes, they are desperate. Sometimes, they are scared. Sometimes, they are simply trying to figure out how to make it through the day. That doesn’t make the decision right, but it does make room for grace.

So, perhaps that is the real lesson in the cracks in my faith: I don’t need to be perfect to be protected. I don’t need to get everything right to be loved, and I don’t have to condemn myself when God has already extended me grace. I thought I understood this on a deep level before, but this situation remind me of my need for a reminder.

So, if you find yourself in a vulnerable place right now, be honest about it. Don’t romanticize the struggle, but don’t allow shame to convince you that one bad decision, or even the temptation to make one, means you have lost your way. Sit with it. Learn from it. Ask God to search the places in you that desperation has exposed. Then give yourself the same grace you so freely tell other people they deserve, because the enemy may be looking for a crack, but God is still in the business of holding us together.

Call to Action

If you’ve ever found yourself in a moment where desperation made you question your values, your faith, or even yourself, I want you to resist the urge to hide it behind shame. Talk about it. Pray about it. Learn from it. And the next time you see someone struggling, remember that you may be witnessing their crack, not their character.

Give grace. Choose empathy. And most importantly, remember that being sifted does not mean being abandoned.