I've Never Known Her Before!

I thought I knew her before, but I didn’t. The version of me who is both allowing herself to become and honoring all that she has learned along the way. I’ve never known her before... The version of me who is choosing to put me first without being guilt-ridden about my inability to be everything to everyone except myself. I’ve never known her.

You see at 15 years old I became a mother, and for the past 15 years, I’ve been a wife. Now, I’m not saying I’m willing to walk away from all that has played a part in who I am today, but I am saying I’m really ready to step into the unapologetic nature I’ve been professing for years. I tasted glimpses of it about 10 years ago. Still, the bigness of that identity was too huge for the spaces and relationships I was contorting to fit in, so I never fully rested in the identity that was desperately trying to find me. Before I knew it I’d talked myself right back out of my anointing, because I lacked the wisdom it took to sustain it.

She never completely died, but only in doses have I given her permission to flourish. The diluted version was the only introduction I’ve given most people. Sadly, because people mishandled others' hearts a person like me who swoops in without ill intention, is often the bearer of their hurt burden. I guess I understand it more because today, I trust less.

It’s unfortunate, but whether it is or isn’t intentional most spaces haven’t been safe enough for me to really shine. And I was too emotionally immature to accept the rejection, so I internalized it. Until now!

There are a few things that I know about myself for sure… First, I love the Lord with my entire being and I have a deep lasting burden to ensure that those who experience me—get to experience Him through me. Next, I know as bold and seemingly uncouth as the words that I speak may be, daily I’m working on it and when the Holy Spirit gives me a check in my spirit I’m mature enough to attempt to remedy it—my heart is pure. I also know that I am trustworthy—imperfectly of course however, I have rarely found others I can truly trust with the undiluted and unwatered down me. I’m also teachable. I know it may not appear that way, because I rarely have "nothing" to say and I often have input however, I promise I’m paying more attention than people realize. I see A LOT, and I’m praying that God teaches me about how to pray about what I discern. Still, funny enough when I get quiet, people try to compel me to speak! I’m an ambivert—I extrovert well, but my energy comes from being alone.

There is a lot more to me but I’ll just add a couple… I’m one of those who’ll open up and give you some of my trust to see how you’ll handle it, but if it’s misused I tend to shut down. I get quiet. I pull back. I'm much more reserved. I’m not saying this is right, but this has been the case. Lastly, I’m loyal to a fault, but much like the aforementioned if I start to see that I’m being mishandled I’ll step all the way back. I say it often… I’m in the process of healing which means I’m also in the process of redrawing boundary lines. I’ve never known her before.